From Bartholomew's Journals: A Prank!

(written by Phil, player of Bartholomew, concerning a recent expedition outside the Tel and thus earning Bart 100 xp per level)

From the Journals of Bartholomew Pettibone, of the House Pettibone

A Purveyor of Enchanting Sorcery

17 April 2021 – The Best (worst?!) Prank Ever

The skies were leaden grey, and rain fell in cold, driving sheets. A rather large, motley group of veteran adventurers, myself included, huddled together at the walled gates connecting Cothon and Gadeed. We were trying to keep ourselves somewhat protected from the elements, and mostly failing. Being well acquainted, as members of the Survivors of the Tel, we made small talk as we waited, and we each voiced our opinions as to what might lie ahead. However, two of our group, a gaunt but scrappy fellow, and another – an enigma – were new to us. The scrappy fellow introduced himself as 'Kzin Friend'. While his appearance was rather disheveled and unkempt, it was clear that his mind was sharp, and that he was able to harness the fluid forces of the arcana. He thirsted for knowledge and unadulterated adventure. The other was a slim humanoid(?) of indeterminable … everything. Due to the outfit worn, the body and all features were literally covered and hidden, it was not possible to discern their visage, let alone much of their being. And this enigma was made even deeper because of the being's unwillingness (inability?) to speak. We did, at long last, determine that 'it' was called June.

We had answered a call put out by a secretive clan, calling themselves Bani Dawr, that somehow made its fastness between the walls of Cothon and Gadeed. They had posted a request throughout Cothon for 'seasoned adventurers' to undertake a mission of highly lucrative potential, but that they wished to keep somewhat hush-hush (so to speak). And we had decided to add this appointment to our portfolios.

Our group consisted of myself (sans Gan – he was otherwise preoccupied), Hey-Jo of the ink-stanied hands, Ravna, our good friend Durham (and the ever excellent Pako), our newly met comrades June and Kzin, and Kzin's hireling – a young likable fellow by the name of Zero. Our squad was eight strong, and as we waited and chatted, we slowly became aware that a ninth figure was among us. Unannounced, and quite stealthily, a young woman dressed in fighting leathers quietly (and in a friendly manner) made her presence known from the shadows. She was Ishna, of the Bani Dawr, and she asked us to follow her, as time was of the essence.

We were led through and past a warren of odd 'political cafes' that made their homes between the major city walls, and finally into a rather opulent and sizable 'house'. Within we were introduced to other Bani Dawr, and we entered into negotiations as to what our recompense might be, if we were to return alive. We are, as Durham pridefully noted, a rather experienced and well-trained party, and we felt that their offered reward was somewhat weak. As part of our deliberations, it was decided that the young Bani Dawr woman who led us here, Ishna, would join us. As discussions progressed, Kzin Friend interjected interesting ideas and questions from the sides, while stuffing his belt pouches with cold roasted meats and hunks of hard cheeses. These items had been brought out and had been laid out as table fare. As well, He and Heyjo unabashedly availed themselves of as much of the fine wines as were being offered as refreshment.

After all was finalized to our satisfaction, we were led down into what appeared to be a large, dank cellar. In this cellar we were shown a … device(?) … and it was explained that only those with a certain mindful bent were able to 'use' the device to transport themselves to a realm not of this world. The Bani Dawr had developed a drinkable serum that mimicked that mindfulness, and allowed anyone to fool the device – but only for a few hours – perhaps for as long as a day. A single vial of the serum was offered to each of us, and we were instructed on how to 'use' the device.

Being the most courageous of the group (and perhaps the most foolish), I immediately downed my serum, stepped up to the device, did as I had been instructed. And everything went dark.

I found myself alone, in complete darkness. This darkness was absolute and crushing – the darkness of total blindness. It was also eerily silent and still, and I had a brief panic, thinking I must be dead. But, I was thinking, and I was feeling, and I was breathing. I let go of that thought and returned to reality. I rummaged in my pack, retrieved my lantern and lit it. Now here was a pickle: the lantern illuminated the fact that I was indeed, alone. I was inside of an enclosure that I perceived to be a metal box of about three spear lengths wide, tall, and long. There was also no obvious entrance or exit, and I feared I might have somehow been entombed. Hmm.

As I pondered my situation, others of my fellows began to appear inside this enclosure, joining me. Soon we were all present, and somewhat annoyed. Nine of us in this tiny box. At least we were fairly certain we were not dead. In due course we began to hear noises outside of our prison: clankings, poundings, creakings, and bangings. But we felt no movement, nor vibration, while touching the walls. This went on for a short while and suddenly stopped. As we wondered at the new quiet, the top of our enclosure vanished, and the walls seemed to almost instantly drop into the ground!

We found ourselves in a very different place than where we had been moments before. We were not in Cothon, or Gadeed, any longer. In fact, based on the disturbing sky, which I refuse to describe here, we were likely NOT on the same plane as our beloved city-state! The air was stale, the sky was clear (with unmoving stars), and we were in a thicket of wood that opened not far away, to our front, onto a large open field. It was night, but when we left the cellar in Cothon it was surely no later than midday.

In the field before us stood a large, walled structure – a fortress keep. There was no noise to be heard. Not even bird or insect sound. As we discussed among ourselves a plan of action, Kzin scouted further and deeper into the woods behind us. Or, he said he did. It's difficult to explain. He said he began making his way quietly through the underbrush, being a wilderness tracker by trade, but somehow he found himself always standing within our planning group. And he said he had no recollection of being anywhere else within the woods. In fact, every time we attempted to search into the woods, we always found ourselves back near the transportation pad (TP, for lack of a better name for the 'device').

Durham stuck a tracer arrow into the ground near the TP, so that we could easily find our way back to the TP, and I used the arts of arcana to remove myself from sight. We spread out and approached the edge of the wood, keeping a close watch on the keep. We noted what appeared to be armed and armored guards walking the parapet. I began a slow reconnaissance of the clearing and keep, circling it at a normal strolling pace. As I completed my rounds, Ishna used her talents to make the sounds of a struggling person come from a distant location – the sounds of someone calling for help. We hoped that this would alert the guards, and perhaps a party might be sent out from the keep to investigate – allowing us to learn more about their kind and number.

This worked well, and two individuals sallied forth to investigate where Ishna had tossed her voice. Our group was then able to make a quick and stealthy dash to the walls of the keep, on the side opposite where our diversion was occurring. As the investigating party returned, I slipped behind them, invisible, and followed them inside the keep. Upon entering, the gates were closed, and the two individuals I followed continued further into the keep, while I remained in the gatehouse.

The inside gate guards were – odd. They appeared to be disheveled humans, dressed in rags, and strangely unemotional. They did not appear to be of the same stature as the guards upon the walls, or the two individuals I had followed in. Each of those guards had been encased in exceptional armor and carried unique metallic staves. It was as if the gate guards lacked any will of their own – no spark of life. But they were not undead – more akin to empty vessels. I decided to attempt what most would say was folly, and slowly removed the timber used to bar the gate. I expected that its apparently unaided movement would certainly cause an outcry. As I began lifting the bar, and removed it completely, it became obvious that the gate-slaves were rather incapable of higher thinking. As the gate bar seemed to slip from its braces by itself, one guard blandly watched with no interest or understanding of what was occurring. However, an awareness seemed to slowly dawn on the other, that something was amiss, and he began shambling toward the gate doors, ostensibly to replace the recalcitrant timber. As I nudged the door open, signaling my comrades to enter, I simply moved my invisible body to intercept and stay in between the gate-slave and the door. The perplexity on its face, being unable to move past an invisible object, was cause for giggles, and it completely ignored my quite visible companions!

The party entered, undetected except for the gate-slaves. The size of our party did finally trigger something in those guards, and they began to come to life with a ferocity aimed at us. We feared a raucous scene would evolve, but when Pako (the Renyu) was noticed, the gate-slaves stopped and fell into a posture that could only be described as reverence. I should mention here that the guards seen on the parapets, and one of the two that I followed into the keep, all wore massive helmets shaped like that of a long-snouted, sharp-eared dog. In other words, they might possibly be Renyu!

The gate-slaves returned to being unremarkable statues, and we quietly discussed our next course of action. There were three buildings within the walls of the keep, and a well. I again made a slow and quiet recon of the inner keep, strolling around the buildings, and making notes of interest. Even being invisible, it behooved me to be as stealthy as possible. We believed the buildings to be a storage shed to our left, a large animal stable to our right, and a large main house in the center. The well was in the far corner, away to our right.

We first investigated the storage shed, and found various crates and barrels, a few staves that looked like the ones the greater guards carried – but wooden, not metal – and a complete set of guard's armor. The armor was laid out in pieces on a workbench, and Durham said that someone must have been cleaning it. After a close inspection, he also noted that it was some of the most intricate and amazing metalwork he had lain eyes on. Some of the designs and symbols on the armor, and some of the crates, were familiar to me, but I could not quite recall why.

In a fit of genius, we were able to entreat Pako to wear the armor, and after some tinkering by June, we were able to 'locate' the mysterious and large dog-headed helmet. As Pako was trying to describe to us how it felt to wear the armor, a fellow opened the shed door and burst in upon us. The jig was up.

The fellow was actually surprised, apparently astonished and incredulous that there were nine individuals in his storage shed. In a flash Heyjo spun arcana around the intruder, and he dropped quietly off into deep slumber. We quickly dragged him into the shed, closed the door (and posted a guard!), then trussed-up, gagged, and blindfolded our captive. Crisis averted. Or was it? Why do we always assume that others wish to cause us harm? Maybe the fellow would have been curious, but happy to see us, and would have welcomed us to his table? What if we could have opened up trade? But no, we immediately crossed a line.

Anyway, Pako described to us what he 'saw' through the eyes of the helmet, but it was difficult to understand – especially coming from the mind of a Renyu. So, I focused my attention and let my inner, clairvoyant eyes see through Pako's eyes. As we melded sight, and my focus cleared, I must say – Pako was certainly seeing some interesting things! Suffice it to say, this was not normal armor – and a story for a price. A hefty price.

We decided to continue our search of this keep, and attempted a ruse, using Pako dressed in the armor as my avatar – as I could see through his eyes. I had also realized that the language these others spoke was similar, but much more ancient-feeling, to one I spoke, and being invisible, I would follow close behind Pako and be his 'voice'. We thought that if we were noticed, and the encounter seemed sour, this ruse would allow us to possibly surprise our opponents.

Prepared for further shenanigans, we made our way to the other out-building, to the right as you enter through the gates. We encountered nothing, and found that, indeed, it was a stable for large beasts. After a close inspection, we also realized that these stables were absolutely clean. It appeared that nothing had ever been housed within any of the stalls. And we noticed that there was no dust, no signs of age or wear. Everything seemed to have been new-made, but oddly unfinished – void of the signs of being lived in or used.

After gaining entrance to the central, main building our luck ran foul. As we were searching the large foyer, two of the greater guards, armored and with weapons, walked in upon us. A parley was attempted, but our ruse failed. However, because I had shifted my clairvoyant eyes to one of our assailants, we were warned in time that they perceived us as foes. Two of my companions, Ravna and Heyjo, grasped the arcana and swiftly caused our two foes to become rigid as metal bars, unable to move, or to talk.

We took the time to strip each of them of their armor and staves, and dressed both Zero and Ishna in the armor. Durham and June had noted how the staves were activated, and we gave one to Zero, and the other to Pako. Durham then used his detector device to scan our surroundings. His results were odd, and totally unreliable. However, we were certain that at least one being was present within one of the side rooms, off of the main hall. Kzin Friend leaned in close to one of the doors in the hallway and confirmed that he heard movement, and what sounded like subdued conversation and perhaps two or three people eating.

We boldly entered that room and found the oddest of sights. Mechanical man-machines with twisted, melted, waxlike features. Two of them, sitting at table, going through the motions of supping, but mechanically, and without meaning. They appeared as puppets – grotesque life-sized puppets.

We set up to enter what we assumed to be a third chamber, a group of us from the machine-man room, and a group from the main entrance chamber. June maintained a guard at the main foyer door. In this adjoining chamber we roused from sleep three of the creatures that wear the armor of the dog-helmets. No, they are not men, they are massive, agile beasts. Their skin is tough and corded, and their fingers end in savage claws. And they are hostile. Our melee was intense, and included much firing of the searing staves on our part, and the blinding of two of the beasts (thanks to the astute aim of Zero and Ishna). However, the staff Ishna wielded became corrupt during an attempted discharge, and exploded violently in her hands, destroying itself and melting away large portions of the armor she wore, fusing the rest around her! Luckily she survived, but barely.

We threw much at these beasts. My attempt to wrap them in arcane slumber went as unnoticed as the breath of a kitten across a lake. That is to say, they were unaffected. Durham pummeled them, Pako raked them, Heyjo and Ravna pelted them with stones, and I tried to dowse them in flaming oil. June continued to guard the main door. These creatures were practically unstoppable. But we did finally overcome them, thanks to an interesting talent displayed by June. Suffice it to say, June ended the fray.

However, a series of unfortunate events befell both Kzin Friend, brave and bold as he was, and his retainer Zero. They perished at the hands of these beasts, ripped to shreds before our eyes. It was maddening. I fear I could have saved one of them, at least, had I been brave enough to rush through the battle and the blazing oil. I could have saved one of them. I called to Kzin to stay the course – to trust that help was on the way! But I did not go to him. I tried to overcome the final beast with the authority of command – and failed. I expected there would be time to attend to our recently fallen. But then, as that last monster fell to our blows, the oddest thing happened. The bodies, and all of the belongings, of both Kzin Friend and Zero, vanished. Except for the unnatural armor and staff from this place, that Zero had been using. We have no explanation for what happened to their bodies and their belongings, they simply vanished – gone.

With the battle over, some of us turned to assisting Ishna out of the melted armor that encased her and prevented movement. Others in the group continued exploring. After listening at what appeared to be the final door to explore behind, and hearing nothing, Heyjo opened the portal. This turned out to be an almost fatal decision, as an unearthly creature that had been lurking within was released. It was tall, and thin, with skin like old dry leather wrapped tightly around the carcass of a long dead beast left in the desert sun to dry. It's eyes were glaring orbs of unseeing death, and its hair was long, white, and greasy. It rushed out and rapidly lashed Heyjo across the face with an open palm. Its speed was uncanny, and it appeared to have unnatural slits running down its hands, from middle finger to the heel of the palm.

To be truthful, the encounter with this beast seemed hopeless to me. I fear I was ineffective at attacking it, and provided little to no actual assistance in defeating this foe. But again, thanks to June, and their indescribable abilities, the haggish creature was destroyed. And by destroyed I mean exactly that – not killed – but destroyed. We found that its wounds would rapidly heal, and the only way to abolish the foul wretch was with flask upon flask of burning, searing oil.

We searched the room it had been inhabiting and among trinkets and baubles found a single, curious 'glove' in a small box, tucked under a mattress. Finding very little else of any real value we departed, and allowed June to go haywire with the wall guards. The few left walking the walls were easily subdued, and we then set our minds to investigate one of the oddest sights yet.

Not far above the peak of the roof of the main building, we noted a 'hole' in the sky. Yes, a hole in the sky, out of which a twisted mass of vines appeared to be growing. It was close enough to the roof that June was able to jump up, latch onto, then climb up the vines, and through the hole. However, after arriving in an upper space, June realized that the vines would likely not hold for another to attempt the same climb.

After quick investigation, June was able to affix a rope to a nearby metal pillar, and toss it down for others to use. While Durham climbed up to help investigate, I ran off to watch over the prisoner we had left in the storage shed. Heyjo, Ravna, Ishna, and Pako remained in the main keep yard as guards. Once again we committed the fatal sin of most adventuring groups – we split up.

Durham later described the upper chamber as like a domed cage, with a metal floor, and many, regularly-spaced metal pillars. At height, the pillars branched off and the branches joined and intertwined, joining each other and forming a lattice-like ceiling. But it was far above, and dark, and difficult to make out clearly. At one location, along the wall, they found an opaque window – appearing to be fogged over from time and age – from which gleamed a faint golden light. But Durham said they could see nothing inside and could find no entrance to that area. In fact they could not find any exit, other than the hole they climbed up through.

We finally gathered, and removed ourselves back to the TP, dragging with us the prisoner from the shed. We expected that our travel potions would be wearing off soon, and we did not relish being stuck in this disturbing 'reality' for much longer. We expected that we could just hold on to our prisoner and then work the TP device, and he would travel to the Bani Dawr cellar with his handler. However, that did not prove to be the case. I was the first to try, and while I held tight to the prisoner, I arrived back in the cellars of the Bani Dawr quite alone. After the others arrived, we briefed the Bani Dawr on the particulars of our encounters. As we related our adventures, I noticed that Ishna and Heyjo maintained a quiet, clandestine conversation in a corner of the room.

We were finally 'gifted' our reward, perfunctorily thanked, then summarily dismissed and escorted back through the wall into Cothon. Heyjo and I were joined by Gan at the tavern and we filled our innards with fine wines, roasted meat, and cheesy breads. As the night reached its height, and patronage was at its peak, I loudly called the whole tavern to stand quiet and bear witness to the most important toast of the masquerade season! I also called to the barkeep to provide beverage of choice – CHOICE, MIND YOU! – to everyone in the room. As the cheers of “Bart, Bart, Bart!” rang out, then faded, I stood atop the table and loudly (and eloquently) toasted the special and singular bravery AND foolishness of Kzin Friend – who, during this time of the Masquerade of the Immortal Dead, we played the ultimate prank upon – allowing him to think that we would save him in his final moments, and then not. “LONG LIVE KZIN FRIEND!”

It was the best of pranks, it was the worst of pranks! But I think he would have approved. And the tavern roof nearly caved in upon the hollerings and belchings of “BRAVO! BRAVO! LONG LIVE KZIN FRIEND! BRAVO!”

(the final prank, naturally, pertaining to the recent Advent of the Immortal Dead, during which time the expedition took place ...
~the Scribes)